“One person caring about another represents life’s greatest value.”

Jim Rohn

My mother never wanted to be dependent on anyone, but by age 76 the demands of caring for herself amidst her growing confusion became overwhelming. She left her beloved apartment on the beautiful Victoria harbour to live closer to her two children in order to get the help she needed.

By midlife many of us are ready to kick back, relax more, and maybe begin a new venture, but this may all change when our aging parents’ needs come into play. I was two months into menopause and one month into the first term of my new, and very demanding counselling program, when we moved our mother to the Sunshine Coast. My stress level was sky-high. Fortunately, after mom was moved in, my brother took over the homecare arrangements, but still it was a big adjustment for all of us.

Many of us take on additional caretaking demands at a time when our personal focus and energy levels are changing. The result may be stress, burnout and sometimes depression. Love and a sense of responsibility for the aging parent often become mixed with resentment and guilt as we struggle with the question of how to meet our parent’s needs.

The Canadian Women’s Health Network reports that one in five Canadian women aged 30-64 spends 28 hours per week on average caring for someone chronically ill or disabled - on top of their regular life activities. American statistics would be similar.

It’s often a challenge for caregivers to find the time and energy to meet our own physical, emotional and spiritual needs. Unfortunately these needs often go by the way when we have heavy responsibilities.

Setting aside some daily time for spiritual renewal is important. This might be different for each person and could mean meditation, prayer, walking in nature, journalling or reading uplifting writings. Regular, good quality meals, water, adequate sleep and exercise are basic when so much energy is going out. Balancing time spent with the parent and enjoying connecting with them while also being with others who support us helps us meet our own emotional needs. It takes careful thought and planning to make the balancing act work for all.

Find out more about self-care by reading my blog article: Grief and Selfcare

Please Note: I will be addressing a range of midlife caregiving topics weekly on MidLife Maze beginning next week.

Retreats:

Rejuvenate Yourself - Body, Mind & Spirit

October 31st to November 2nd, 2008

Sunshine Coast, British Columbia

Facilitator: Ellen Besso

Women’s Spirituality Retreat

November 21st to 23rd, 2008

Gibsons, British Columbia

With Ellen Besso & Terri Scallon

Contact Ellen for more information on either retreat

In the May 2008 issue of Oprah there was an article that asked many well-known individuals from all walks of life: What’s a Moment That Defined Spirituality for You?

Edward Espe Brown, author of The Tassajara Bread Book, was quoted as saying:

“When I cut open a red pepper and a purple cabbage for the first time, I was in awe at the splendor, the integrity, the “perfection” of their interiors.”

I am one of those people, who like him, find amazing perfection in some foods and in flowers and plants. It always thrills and intrigues me when I see a food with its rose-like swirls such as red cabbage or a flower from my garden whose colour, scent or shape speaks of mystery to me. I find it magical and surprising every spring when the plants bud again even though it happens every year. It’s always a joyful surprise to me.

I also love huge trees as their stillness seems to almost reach out to me. This morning I sat on my back deck sipping my morning coffee, and thought “I just don’t know where to begin today”. There were so many things to deal with in my business, with my “self-assigned” summer chores like outside painting including my studio, and attempting to keep my garden up, not to mention spening time to my mother, who’s taking her first handy-dart trip to my house tomorrow. So my mind kicked in and started its game of uproar.

I looked out at the giant coniferous trees that grow beside the little trail about 100 years behind and to one side of our backyard. It all felt peaceful and very still and beautiful. I thought, this is what counts, not all the rushing around (literally and figuratively).

Then I realized that what initially looked like lighter coloured branches in one of the trees was actually birds - one at the very top of the tree, another a bit lower to the right and a third bird lower down again to the left. I initially thought they were all eagles, but when the very top bird straightened out fully, pointing its neck upwards, I could tell it was a blue heron. When the bird on the right flew away suddenly, I saw that it was indeed a mid-sized eagle. The third bird was another heron.

In North American Native tradition the eagle is connected to the Spirit of the Great Mystery and to the earth and is a symbol for a combined use of wisdom and courage. Herons represent self-determination and self-reliance and the importance of following owns’ own unique path.

Taking the time to just notice…to notice and soak in the incredible natural beauty literally outside my back door has made a difference to my day. It’s definitely helped me to be more mindful. As I breath in and recount this to you, I feel noticeably calmer and slower inside. I also feel that these messengers reflect on my life in a deeper way.

When we are simply being we are in the flow. When I was in group therapy in the 80’s in the Toronto area, the facilitator told us about different stages of development, including ‘being’ and ‘doing’. She said most people were in doing mode almost exclusively. She taught us how to simply be.

I know now that it is the nature of western society to be productive and to rush around…to be in the doing stage…and this has intensified greatly over the years, to the point where now many of us are in a frenzy of outward activity. Eventually this has affected our internal life and now many people are feeling that they are spinning crazily out of control. They are experiencing racing thoughts and a sense of uncenteredness.

The excerpt below is from the Daily Om. It talks about how we can resist the flow of nature that is always there, or we can choose to move with it. I believe It takes trust and somewhat of a leap of faith to take the second route.

Whatever is needed for our spiritual growth is brought to us. If we don’t learn it the first time around, it happens over and over again in different, and more intense forms. For example in intimate relationships we often make similar choices of unsuitable partners until we, not they, change, and do something differently.

I’ve spent much of my life trying to resist the flow…trying to control outcomes of various events in my life, as I suspect most of us have. I think I’m finally getting it and learning to let go.

I hope you find this excerpt helpful.

The flow of the universe moves through everything. It is in the rocks that form, get pounded into dust, and are blown away. It is in the blossoming of a flower born from a seed planted in the spring. The growth cycle that every human being goes through is part of this natural flow, which is also the current that takes us down life’s paths. When we move with it rather than resisting it, we are riding on the universal wave that allows us to flow with life.

Many people live struggling against this current. They try to use force or resistance to will their lives into happening in the way they think it should. Others move with it like a sailor using the wind, trusting that the universe is taking them exactly where they need to be at all times. This flow is accessible to everyone because it travels through and around us. We are always riding it—it is just a matter of whether we are willing to go with it or we resist it. Choosing to go with the flow is often a matter of relinquishing the notion that we need to be in control at all times.

The flow is always transporting you where you need to go. It is merely a question of deciding whether you plan on accepting the ride or having it take you there with your feet dragging. Learning to step into it can help you feel a connection to a force that is greater than you and is always there to support you. The decision to go with the flow takes courage because you are surrendering the belief that you need to do everything by yourself. Riding the flow of the universe can be effortless, exhilarating, and unlike anything you ever expected. When you are receptive to being in it, you open yourself to possibilities that exist beyond the grasp of your control.

As a child, you were naturally swept by the flow. Tears of sadness falling down your face could just as quickly turn to tears of laughter. The mere tiniest wave carrying you forward off the shores of the ocean could transport you into peals of delight.

Our souls feel good when we go with the flow of the universe. All we have to do is make the choice to ride its currents.

Excerpt from the new DailyOM Book

Slowing down, going within, centering, getting in touch with ourselves…We hear this message often and are told this will improve our quality of life. It’s simple, yet profound. It’s tough to do because of the busyness of our lives and the busyness of our brains.

I invite you to take a deep, slow breath, sit back, and enjoy the stillness:

“What if you knew that the impulse to move in a way that creates beauty in the world will arise from deep within and guide you every time you simply pay attention and wait?” Dr. Toni Lamotta

“If you feel dismayed and frustrated, it may be desirable to pause…and realize that it is your web of physical drama that is causing all of it. Become quiet and removed from the drama. Step outside the hurricane carousel of events. Once you have paused it will be easier to identify the root of the problem.” April Crawford

“Moving inward to our center clarifies the confusion of midlife.” Ellen Besso

“One conscious breath, (2 or 3 is even better), taken many times a day, is an excellent way of bringing space into your life.” Eckhart Tolle

Here is a poem I was inspired to write and post on my blog last winter. You can also re-read my March newsletter, Centering Yourself, for more on this topic.

Centering

Breath in

Breath out

Breath in

Breath out

Here in the center of my being

Lies myself

My spirit

My true being

Breath in

Breath out

Breath in

Breath out

This is the place where I live

When I am in tune

When I take the time

When I love me

Breath in

Breath out

Breath in

Breath out

Did you know that when we’re old our kids, doctors, pharmacist, grocery delivery guy, etc., etc. may be able to watch us in our home? It’s true, with the robots that are being tested now, amazing things can happen by the time we’re old.

Not only will the robots be able to clean our houses and prepare food, but they will be able to alert the above mentioned group of people (should we agree to this) if we don’t answer our phones. Our remote ‘caregiver team’ will be able to interact with the robots and give them directions, such as reading our vital signs and reporting them back to the caregiver.

Does this sound surreal? Does it seem like Huxley’s 1984? Well it’s true. I knew the robots were coming, but hadn’t heard about these new developments until today (On my 5 pm news, CIVT, Channel 9 Vancouver, BC).

This sounds positive in many ways, because elders will be able to live independently longer and be safe. Many seniors are ‘borderline safe’ or unsafe nowadays living alone; my mom was borderline before she went into care. But how about our privacy? Will the robotized computer cameras be able to watch us in our beds and in the bathroom? (the pic shown on the news showed a visual of a man lying on the floor).

I guess the kinks will have to be worked out on this as time goes on. Let me know what you think and share with us all what you know about this please.