MidLife Women – Relationship Violence
Are you in an abusive relationship?
Relationship abuse comes in many shapes and colours. What’s a common interaction pattern for one woman may be considered totally unacceptable by another. There are, however, clear guidelines about relationship abuse.
Many of us believe that abuse is confined to the physical body…if a woman’s not thrown across the room, it’s not violent. That’s not true though. The definition is considerably more expansive than that.
Verbal and emotional control and intimidation are usually more common than physical threats. After a period of time has elapsed in such a relationship, the implied threat of negative or stressful consequences is enough to keep a woman minding her “p’s and q’s”.
A power differential is at the root of the whole thing...an unequal power balance between the partners. It could be material including finances or income, physical, or personality driven (i.e. dominant personality type and passive type). Patterns are often adopted early in a relationship that follow a couple throughout their life together.
If you feel bad in your relationship much of the time and aren’t able to communicate this to your partner for fear of repercussions, you may be in an abusive relationship. If your self-esteem is plunging and you have unexplained illness that could be stress-related, perhaps your relationship is dragging you down.
Even though women may recognize the mistreatment, we often don’t do anything about it or speak of it for many, many reasons for a long time. We are embarassed, ashamed, our loyalty stifles us, telling makes it real, then we may have to act and we’re not prepared to yet and so on.
Women who are experiencing physical as well as emotional, mental and spiritual violence leave their partner many times on average before the final breakup. Some women experiencing non-physical abuse may leave sooner, some deny the abuse by not labelling it as such. There’s no hard and fast reaction.
Most communities have services for women experiencing relationship violence of any sort, be it physical, emotional, mental or spiritual. These services give women and their children a safe place to stay. Many women never actually go to safe houses - they find ways to get the support they need by often random or ongoing telephone conversations with support workers who staff the houses, or from family and friends.
If you feel threatened, stressed or abused in your relationship, speak up to a safe person. You’ll be surprised how many other women are experiencing similar issues. Our silence isolates us from each other. Isolation slowly erodes our sense of self and our joie de vivre.
© 2008 Ellen Besso
Sign up today to receive Ellen's inspirational newsletter! Let Ellen help you navigate your midlife maze.
